Editorial: Achievement Blocked!

So, I got sick last weekend. Some kind of weird Cold/Flu amalgam put me on my ass in a feverish torpor leaving me incapable of doing much else besides watching every single Blu Ray I own and playing my PSP, which I just recently recovered from a friend who had been borrowing it. Since I was going to be bedridden all weekend, I decided to undertake a challenge of reasonable length (10-15 hours, maybe). So I revived an old one I never got around to finishing: Soloing the original Final Fantasy with a single Black Mage.

The hardest part was those first few hours. As a fragile, cloth-wearing mage only capable of small amounts of magic, getting enough levels to defeat Garland was going to be tough. Even tougher was defeating the 9 Pirates to get the boat later on. (I found the sleep spell essential for overcoming these early encounters, well before you have any multi-target spells).

The Earth Cavern was an endurance trial, both journeys through it. But by making liberal use of the Flee Command I eventually returned the Earth Crystal to light.

The Fire Crystal was not as successful. As you enter that cavern, the strongest Ice spell you have is Bilzzara, which proved not powerful enough to topple the Fire Fiend. I had to beat a hasty retreat, and chose to go ahead and recover the airship, get a class change and travel the world for stronger magic. Once I was armed with Blizzaga as a Black Wizard, I rentered the Fire Mountain and toppled it’s dark master.

The game actually started becoming easier. Better armor, the Ribbon and the Protect Ring kept me safe from most attacks, and going through the Sunken Shrine and facing Kraken for the Water Crystal gave me several magic-casting items. I didn’t even really need the Magic Command outside of boss fights anymore.

Tiamat ended up being the easiest of the fiends, and the only one I didn’t have to make more than one attempt on. At that point I had Flare (Known as NUKE in the NES original), and since the PSP Final Fantasy uses MP instead of Spell Charges, I was able to destroy the Dragon God in a few short rounds.

It was time to head into the Chaos Shrine and topple the final boss. I wended my way through the many levels, refighting all the fiends without too much trouble, and finally I stood before Chaos. My Friendless Black Wizard was at maximum level, had 988 HP, and 999 MP. The three carcasses he had been carrying around since the beginning were all at 0 XP. This was a successful challenge. I initiated the battle, happy with myself for finally doing this.

Chaos wouldn’t die.

It shouldn’t be this hard, either. Most of his magic attacks only deal 80-150 damage total. Much more troublesome was his physical attack which did anywhere from 250 to 400+ damage. Three physical hits and it was game over. But I stretched my resources to the very limit, used elixirs to refill my HP whenever it was getting low, but they were in very short supply.

In one bout, I managed to get Flare off a total of 9 times, and dealt around 5,000 damage to this bastard. He had to be close to dead.

I consulted the FAQ, and dropped the fucking PSP.

In the original NES Final Fantasy, Chaos has 2,000 HP. Not a tall order by any stretch. In the PSP remake he has 20,000.

My very best try had only gotten him down to 75%.

The thing I worked all weekend on isn’t possible. You can’t solo this version of the game with the black mage. There’s no way you’d survive long enough to cast Flare 30+ times, even if you had an limitless supply of elixirs, as opposed to the two I had.

So I have to put it down, defeated. The achievement is not to be had… not this day.

So what about you guys? Ever set yourself up for a special challenge, only to find out there was no way to do it? Or a time you were going for a Xbox Live Achievement and found it too goddamn hard? I could use some company here in the Crushed lane.

At least my cold is gone.